Choose Kindness by Learning How to Manage Anger

It is often said that everything we need to know in life is taught in kindergarten: how to share, be considerate of others, and to stay within the lines while coloring.

What about when it feels like the world is spiraling out of control, with nothing in sight to stabilize our interactions with one another?

I have seen this through a particular lens the past two weeks, with celebrations of freedom from Juneteenth to Independence Day.

The interesting thing about freedom, though, is that while everyone has it and the right to exercise it, doing so seems offensive now more than ever. Everyone is offended if an opinion or expression doesn’t align or agree with theirs. It’s not simply that people stumble upon respectful disagreements. Rather it seems that so many people anxiously await the opportunity to attack the first person that says or does anything that they simply don’t like, understand, or agree with.

For those who missed the lessons of managing emotions or spite as a child, or who have somehow forgotten along the way, certified counselor and spiritual coach Julie Booksh offers hope. She helps navigate a seemingly cruel world full of critics by quieting the toxic, cultural noise and caring for their souls in individual and group sessions.

Booksh believes that we’ve all been through a lot with no time to process the struggle or our grief — or sort through our feelings. This has manifested into anger, one of the most minimized emotions.

“It is a natural human emotion that is often labeled bad, so people try to hold it in until they can’t anymore,” Booksh said. “Then they explode and feel ashamed, which sends them back into ‘anger is bad. I need to hold it in,’ and the cycle repeats.”

Booksh believes that this creates a lot of harm in and between people, fueled by a lack of education on how to be angry and how to express it.

“I sometimes call anger Holy Anger because it takes you closer to your truth.”

Anger is a wise teacher and needs to be harnessed not dismissed, as some of the world’s greatest prophets and leaders were motivated by two things: love and anger. Movements were created out of constructively harnessing anger.

“Our anger is an indicator of our deepest self,” she said.

Social media and digital platforms have also provided seemingly opaque spaces that enable participants to spew hate, accusations, insults and the like, without any real repercussions. It seems that everyone is angry these days and I’m not sure why. Why is everyone mad about something, or at someone else?

I thought we lived in a country where freedom of both speech and expression were not only allowed, but encouraged. But doing so has become risky behavior. What happened to kindness?

“Kindness is still there, although it is harder to see sometimes,” said Booksh. “Often the hardest place to find it is inside of ourselves. Inner kindness needs to be cultivated, too.”

Booksh believes we must learn how to communicate our anger more directly, which is different than spewing a bunch of names at someone. Sometimes we need to spew alone first to get the clarity and direction we need.

Booksh believes that life has certainly challenged most of us a bit more than usual these last few years.

“Many people [have] already had it pretty damn tough,” she said. “Naturally, that can shorten fuses. The pressure got added and people need relief.”

That relief doesn’t lie in attacking others or finding pleasure in other’s pain. We must stop purposely pushing known buttons or triggers. That only escalates things, which negatively impacts us all. Time and circumstances have caused too many of us to forget the basic tenants of courtesy and consideration.

For those who have forgotten, Booksh offers resources, refreshers and the reminder that when we can be anything, we should choose to be honest, which sometimes isn’t going to feel or sound kind.

Karen Dumas is a columnist for The Detroit News