Talking back to God can be a very healing practice.
Many people haven’t felt like they could talk back to God even in the midst of tremendous loss. When people experience tragedy, they might ask “why god, why?” Sometimes they wonder if they are being punished or what they did to deserve this. But, they don’t feel like they can be mad at God, because then they might be punished again. What a double bind!
It is important to be true to your own unique experience of loss, frustration, doubt and fury.
As much as I don’t believe in a god who is calling the shots, I still talk to God like I do. When I finally let myself yell at God, it was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. It created a real relationship.
The only reason I can even use the word God now is because my definition and my relationship is totally different now. I even allowed myself to hate the word for a long time. Even when I would read the word, I would cross it out. I let myself be totally real.
My faith has to be big enough for my humanness or it is not my faith.
In an old journal entry of mine I wrote:
“Well, God here we are. This makes little sense given I don’t believe you are like a person, but I am talking to you, trying to work on our relationship – an honest one.
Last night, I told you I hate you. I really meant it too. I was so mad that things always seem to be so difficult, and I try so hard. The interesting thing is I don’t even believe you cause or allow these things, but the story that you do is so steeped in our culture that it is well grooved in my brain.
Nevertheless, when I let myself say “I hate you” and did not immediately apologize, something happened. There was a breakthrough – a freedom – and if I know one thing, it is that you are liberating not oppressive. I did not guilt myself back into some old story about punishment. I stood my ground.
If I am gonna have a relationship with you then honesty has to be included. Otherwise, I am practicing the old oppressive faith and showing up as I have been taught I should, rather than how I really am in that moment. There is no real connection in that. Our relationship would be fake and obligatory. I am not at all interested in fake relationships.
I have learned your Presence can handle my raw honesty.”
I have no idea what was going on in the world or what I was having difficulty with the day I wrote this, but the honest encounter I remember. Something deeper and more real emerged. I felt emotionally safe. God is a safe place no matter how we show up.
It’s no secret that talking back to God is a healing stage in grief, but it fosters connection in many other areas as well. When you start feeling this safety with God (or whatever name you use) you can also grow safety in you. That’s an extra benefit I’ll keep!
For your reflection: What is something you have been mad at God/the Universe for? Have you told God? Can you allow yourself to talk back to God and, if so, what is that you would want to say?
I love hearing from you, so please keep sending comments and questions. I often use your questions to expand on this material and provide useful content to you.
Yours truly,
Julie
